Letters, Letters, Letters
by beeabeeon49
Summary: The marauders write some interesting letters to each other during the holidays. They're bored, they're grounded, and they're being sent on horrible summer holidays with Lucius Malfoy and his peacocks! Including a disastrous game of truth or dare, Sirius getting himself grounded every other day, and Remus trying desperately to deny any ties to Sirius's little cousin.
1. Chapter 1

**Yes. It's finally here, guys. Finally.**

**We have been working on this for a very long time.**

**And yes, I said 'we'. Because I can only take credit for Padfoot and the editing (it was really only spelling, grammar and paragraphing. I changed nothing that was said.)**

**Moony is eskimoRock!**

**Wormtail is mixandmingle!**

**Prongs is that-mad-girl-in-the-corner (formerly MissMarauderette13)!**

**Go and check them out!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.**

* * *

I seriously (siriusly) think I'm dying of boredom here. Apparently it's not a good idea to start quoting literature from that Muggle guy - Shaking Spear? Funny name. Anyway, have been locked in my room for about an hour.

WHY HAS NO-ONE BEEN SENDING LETTERS? Have you all forgotten about the most amazing marauder (obviously me)? I feel hurt.

FROM THE AMAZING PADFOOT!

* * *

I'm sorry I couldn't write sooner, I've been really busy with all my homework, and I only just got it finished.

Please stop with the puns, Sirius. They're horrible. It's Shakespeare, anyway. Although, I'm kind of surprised you ever read anything of his, it doesn't seem like your kind of thing. Which one is your favourite?

I hope you're all okay, I've had a breakthrough with the map - I found a spell to show people moving around the school, and I think I'll be able to do it once we get back. Does it sound good? It would certainly mean we got caught less often.

Moony.

P.S - Make sure you get all your homework done - I actually want to see you all this year.

* * *

Sirius, your letter just woke me! I was having a very good dream about - erm - someone and you had to wake me! But I too grudgingly admit that I am bored, why has no one sent me letter saying that they wish me to grace them with my presence? Hmm? I feel outraged!

- The most handsome Marauder (Prongs, but I'm sure you already knew that)

* * *

Anything to annoy my dear old mum, Moony. And they're all pretty boring.

And my puns are brilliant. You just don't want to admit it.

Pssh. You know I don't care about getting caught. But it sounds cool, anyway.

I'M STILL BORED. And homework makes me even boreder. So give me something INTERESTING to do.

Padfoot (The amazing one)

* * *

And Prongsie-pie, we all know who that someone is.

Where's Wormtail got to?

Padfoot (Who is definitely more good-looking than Prongs)

* * *

Like I said, Prongs, busy with homework? Something _you_ should know about too? And that girl you dream about? *coughLILYcough*.

You disappoint me, Padfoot. There's me thinking you might actually be able to have a good discussion with me for once... and your puns are awful. They actually cause me physical pain.

You two should really care more about getting caught. Seriously, McGonagall will get Dumbledore involved again, and I can't be doing with his "disappointment" face.

Can you guys not come over until Thursday? Its my "time of the month" tomorrow, and I need a few days to recover.

Moony. (the normal one)

* * *

Plus, I think Wormtail is dead. Not good.

Moony.

* * *

How can puns cause physical pain? Do they cause you to gouge your eyes out or something?

Dumbledore loves them, Moons. He's just meant to be all headmaster-y.

I could try to escape, but I doubt it... I'll have to come up with some epic escape plan.

Wormtail had better not be dead. He owes me three galleons.

Padfoot (as far from normal as possible - who WANTS to be normal, anyway?)

* * *

Something like that, Padfoot. Something like that.

Anyway, of course you don't mind getting sent to Dumbledore - you don't care what anybody thinks. I'm the one supposed to make the most of this massive chance, and he just looks at me all upset.

Have you tried the door? Remember last time when she didn't even lock it, and you ended up in there for 5 hours.

He owes me 5. I'm more concerned about his possible death, to be honest. Anyway, you're the rich one, why do you care?

Moony. (Isn't it ironic that I'm the normal one, and also the one who turns into a giant WOLF every month?)

* * *

I CARE - just not about that particular detail.

Don't remind me. But that door is DEFINITELY locked this time. I tried it. And I'm going to try it again now.

...Okay, maybe I didn't try it before. I'LL TRY TO GET TO YOUR HOUSE BY NIGHT-TIME.

Wormtail always owes people money. And I plan on getting disowned one day, so I need all the money I can get.

At least you bother to reply to my letters.

Padfoot (A dog's KIND OF like a wolf)

* * *

I am sorry that I have not written sooner, but I have been, uh, busy.

Friends, I am going to give you your money back soon! I promise. If anyone would let me, I also need a place to stay. My family's house isn't exactly, right. Plus, they kicked me out.

The Knight Bus is carrying me right now, so I am well. I can't always reply, because I only have a few stops to send my letters. But, I can reply often! Yay!

Wormtail

* * *

RALLY AT MOONY'S HOUSE.

Prongs, come too.

Why did they kick you out? Can I use the same tactic?

Padfoot (I'M ALMOST THERE MOONY)

* * *

He just has that "you shouldn't even be here, I'll send you home" look sometimes. You just care about howlers.

You are truly an idiot, Padfoot. Even your mother knows it. I'll see you tonight.

Wormtail, you had better pay us back. I barely have any money as it is. Padfoot, you can just move in with Prongs. I don't even know what I'm going to do when we leave school.

I reply to your letters because I'm nice, and also bored. You may be an idiot, but you're still one of my best mates.

Wormtail, you can come over tonight if you want? My mother won't mind. Padfoot is coming over anyway- I'm not sure about Prongs.

Moony. (Why would you want to be a wolf? It's awful.)

* * *

Moony - I'm outside your door. Just thought you should know.

YOU WON'T BE SO BORED WITH ME AROUND. Siriusly. (Don't gouge your eyes out, who will take notes for us then?)

Prongs, are you coming? Or are you deserting us?

Padfoot (Well, at least a dog is better than a rat and a stag!)

* * *

I know you're outside my door. I just let you in. You're standing right in front of me.

I'm still bored. Try harder. And what if I just stopped taking notes anyway? What would you do then?

Moony (Stags are pretty cool, if not really girly. I don't think Bambi's coming any time soon.)

* * *

Why are you writing me a letter if you're standing right in front of me?

If you stopped taking notes we would all FAIL. And you wouldn't want that, would you?

Padfoot (Who's Bambi?)

* * *

It just seems appropriate. Nice to see the owl going straight from my hand and landing on your face. That owl REALLY doesn't like you.

I don't know, it might be pretty funny. Maybe you'll just have to be nicer to me.

Moony (it's a muggle thing, Padfoot. I swear you take Muggle Studies?)

* * *

I now have a BRUISE on my nose. It ruins my otherwise PERFECT face.

It wouldn't be funny. And I'm nice to you enough already. Can I have something to eat?

Padfoot (I DO, Moony - I only listen to the things that will annoy my parents)

* * *

Oi! If you ladies are quite finished! Open the door for Merlin's sake, it's dark!

You could come and live with me Pads, my parents wouldn't mind - they love kids and you're practically family anyway, let's make it official!

Prongs (and my stag does not resemble Bambi!)

* * *

Hello, Prongs. Nice of you to finally turn up.

I think you need to man up, Padfoot. You've always been funny-looking, the owl isn't going to change that. It matches Prongs's now! Although, that was a good punch, I have to say. Lily has a good swing.

My friends are idiots. Just thought I'd put that out there.

I don't even know why you bothered asking if you could eat, Padfoot. The owl hadn't even got to me before you started anyway.

Moony. (You do look like Bambi, Prongs. Maybe that's why Lily doesn't love you. You're too _girly_.)

* * *

I am NOT a lady! And what's the matter, scared of the dark?

Aw, random sentimental moment!

Padfoot (Can someone tell me what Bambi is?)

* * *

Bambi is a deer, Padfoot. An extremely girly baby deer.

Idiot.

Moony.

* * *

Describes Prongs exactly. And I'm not an idiot.

Wormtail, where are you? How far away are you?

Padfoot (Aw, no postscript?)

* * *

I am in no way an extremely girly baby deer. We hold no resemblance.

And that was a low blow Moony.

Below the belt.

Do you want me to get started on one of my speeches about Evans? Hmm?

The extremely manly deer: Prongs.

* * *

You are a VERY girly deer. You're secretly Jameela Potter, we all know about it.

You're just upset because you both realise I speak the truth. You'll probably talk about Evans anyway - actually being her friend, I can assure you that she does NOT spend all the time talking about you.

Moony. (Here's a postscript for you, Sirius. You'll always be alone.)

* * *

Why Remmy, how did you know? Have you been looking while I shower *pretend blushes* Oh you naughty wolfy, you!

Prongs

* * *

There's no such thing as a manly deer. Deer are female.

...Help. I JUST SOUNDED LIKE MOONY.

I'm going to take a shower.

Padfoot (I WON'T BE ALONE. But thanks for the postscript)

* * *

There is nothing wrong with sounding like you actually have brain cells, Padfoot.

I wouldn't get in the shower if I were you, apparently I'll be perving on you with my super werewolf senses.

Deliberately not putting a postscript. I hope this owl interrupts your shower.

Moody.

* * *

Before you ask, I put Moody because that's how I feel right now. So there.

Oh Merlin! Pads you need help! You're correcting my sentences! HELP! REVERSE IT! IT MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS!

Prongs (who is not going to breathe any of Moony or Padfoot's air just in case of infection)

* * *

I think he might be ill, Prongs. Shall we take him to St. Mungo's?

Moony. (You don't have to worry, there's no chance of you being infected.)

* * *

I'm okay. I feel better after that shower.

And Moony, sending that owl was mean. THERE IS NOW OWL POO IN THE SHOWER.

Padfoot (Postscript!)

* * *

I can be mean when I want to be. Behind my nerdy exterior lies a horrible, horrible person. And you're cleaning the owl poo out of the shower, or I won't allow you round again.

Moony. (I now refuse to write a proper postscript.)

* * *

Moony, you can't keep me out. I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.

Wormtail, do you remember where Moony's house is? Or have you fallen asleep?

Prongs - I'm NEVER going to correct your sentences again. EVER.

Padfoot (Please, Moony?)

* * *

Oh shut up, you idiot. I'll just lock my doors magically, and then you won't be able to get in because you have NO MAGICAL SKILL.

I think he died again.

Moony. (hahahahahaha no.)

* * *

Maybe he spontaneously combusted. Don't ask me what that means, I just heard someone say it and it sounded impressive.

I WILL GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR ME.

Padfoot (I'll give you chocolate...)

* * *

It means your whole body bursts into flames... Oh Merlin! MOONY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!

A distraught Prongs

IT IS CONTAGIOUS THEN.

* * *

...I think Moony's ignoring us. And Wormtail's dead.

Padfoot (I miss the lovely postscripts)

* * *

Do you think we should make funeral arrangements, but if he did combust there would only be ashes, saves money on cremation, though, I guess.

Do you think daisies or buttercups?

a solemn Prongs

* * *

Buttercups. Wormtail always liked those.

Padfoot (I really do miss the lovely postscripts)

* * *

I needed some sane conversation, so I was talking to Lily. Before you ask, Prongs, she said nothing about you.

It isn't contagious. You're just idiots. Although it's quite amusing to let you think you are on fire.

I WILL WRITE A MILLION POSTSCRIPTS IF I GET CHOCOLATE.

Moony (The chocolate loving one.)

* * *

I WILL GET YOU CHOCOLATE THEN.

Daisies or buttercups for Wormtail's funeral?

Padfoot (The one who knows how to manipulate Moony)

* * *

I'm going to go with buttercups, they're slightly more manly. I think Wormy would appreciate it.

I WANT CHOCOLATE TOO!

A hungry Stag.

* * *

You only get chocolate if you write postscripts.

We'll have the funeral tomorrow if Moony feels up to it. (SEE? I CAN ACTUALLY BE A NICE PERSON!)

Padfoot (Hello! My name is Bob, and I'll be your postscript for today)

* * *

I'm going to have to agree with you guys, although I thought prongs would want lilies.

Moony. (Waiting for his chocolate)

* * *

Ah! I am not dead! Don't bury me alive! Then I really will die!

Wormtail (I'll take the buttercups anyway!)

* * *

WORMTAIL IS ALIVE!

You can have the buttercups when you DO die, Wormtail. And that might be pretty soon if you don't give my money back quickly.

Moony, I have to BUY chocolate before I can give it to you.

Padfoot (The one who actually CARES about postscripts)

* * *

INDEED HE IS! MAY WE ALL REJOICE!

You know, I'm pretty cheerful for the day after a full moon. I guess it's your mental influence, Padfoot.

Lets not threaten Wormtail with death now, please. I'm just happy that he IS alive, even if he didn't turn up at all last night. He can keep the money for a bit, he's obviously having a hard time.

Go and buy the chocolate, Padfoot! Come on! I need it! You know I need it the day after a full moon! I'm writing many postscripts!

Moony (the one who cares about postscripts if there's chocolate involved.)

* * *

See, I AM useful!

...I will get that money someday. I will.

Alright, alright! I'll send you some because, AND THIS IS REALLY BAD, I have to go home. Andy said she was going to come over, and I'm quite excited as to what's going to happen.

Padfoot (The one who comes up with the subjects for the postscripts)

* * *

I don't really think your useful skill can be put on a job application, Padfoot. "Good with animals, a hard worker, and great at cheering up his best friend the werewolf after a particularly difficult transformation."

...I know you'll get the money, Pads. Just give him a little time, alright?

Yes for chocolate! But I don't want you to go. I would come with you, but for obvious anti-movement reasons...say hello to little Nymphie for me, yeah?

Moony (The one who doesn't really like the postscripts.)

* * *

Why would I want to write out an job application in the first place? The career advisor person said that I would be in Azkaban before I had to worry about getting a job. I'm not quite sure which is worse, to be honest.

You may notice my lack of capital letters. It might be because I'm bored again. And this time, I did actually check the door was locked. It most certainly is. I'll try to get your message to Nymphie, though.

Padfoot (The one feels sorry for the postscripts now Moony has insulted them)

* * *

I thought you wanted to be an auror though? I'm sure you need a job application to do that.

I think the careers advisor might be onto something with Azkaban. At least she gave you her opinion, I didn't even get an appointment. Apparently, she refused to see me.

Why are you in your room this time? And please do, she's a cute little kid.

Did you get to speak to Andy before you got locked up?

Oh, thank you for the chocolate, by the way.

Moony. (I'm sorry. I'll apologise to the postscripts. I'm really very sorry, Mr Postscript.)

* * *

...I suppose you're right. WHY MUST LOGIC ALWAYS BE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE?

Well - it might be something to do with the fact I ran off without warning them yesterday. Yeah, I managed to speak to Andy - if I don't manage to see Nymphie, she'll say hello for me for you.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

Padfoot (The postscripts are feeling slightly better)

* * *

Because logic is what normal people exist on, Padfoot. I'm sorry, but that's just the way of the world.

I understand. Have you tried the window? I think you left the ladder there last time you made a rescue escape. Although, your mother might have moved it.

I'm glad. Andy's always been nice to me - I haven't seen her in a while.

Moony (I'm glad. You can be happier now.)

* * *

I finished all the chocolate.

_Now_ what am I supposed to do?

Moony. (the bored one.)

* * *

I DON'T WISH TO BE NORMAL, THEN.

The ladder's gone. I'll think I'll just be stuck here FOREVER. Tell Dumbledore why I'm not in at the start of the year.

Andy says you're welcome around their house anytime you want, Moons.

Go and serenade a cat or something.

Padfoot (The one even more bored than Moony)

* * *

I think you lost the whole "normal" battle a long time ago, to be honest.

Just let your mother cool down for a while, and she'll let you out. Anyway, I forgot to ask. How is Andy even at your house? I thought your mother and father didn't speak to her after the whole issue with her marrying Ted and getting disinherited?

I might just live there from now on. At least Nymphie loves me. Or just my large supply of chocolate frogs. At least, her hair goes pink. I think that means she loves me.

I don't even like cats! Horrible creatures.

Moony. (I highly doubt that.)

* * *

I DON'T WANT TO WAIT. And I don't think she ever calms down. Ever.

As for Andy - well, she just kind of wanted to. You can't really keep her out, and she did what I call a 'Sirius' and decided to annoy them.

Aw, she does love you. It's only gone as far as purple for me. Never mind - purple's a good colour.

What? MOONY doesn't like something?

Padfoot (Have you ever been locked in a room by my mother?)

* * *

You'll be out by tonight, honestly. Regulus will convince her, he usually does. If not, I'll come and rescue you.

I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised I cant hear your mother's screams from here. She really hates Andy.

I'm happy now! Its kind of sad though, the only person who loves me is 3 years old.

Yes! Cats are vile!

Moony (No, but I've been locked in a room by you many times, I know how it feels.)

* * *

Hey Pads, want me to come on my broom? You can stay with me if you want to?

I can give Andy a lift if she needs a quick exit.

And Moony, am I detecting a slight crush? Aw, Moony's crushing on Pad's kid cousin.

Prongs (who feels left out because he didn't receive chocolate)

* * *

My house is also open. Of course, I can't really cook and Prongs's mum cooks the best food I've ever tasted, so its not really a hard decision.

JAMES! Nymphadora is THREE YEARS OLD! That is not only disgusting, but also really quite creepy. Plus, she's related to Sirius, so she must have some genetic defects in there somewhere. Hey, at least he wasn't made her godfather. Can you imagine?

Moony. (I would share with you, but it's chocolate. You have plenty of money!)

* * *

That would be good Prongs. I'm seriously about to die of boredom.

I'm surprised at that as well, Moony. I'm almost deaf in my right ear.

Moony? WHAT IS THIS? A three-year-old? Siriusly? (DON'T gouge your eyes out)

Padfoot (Prongs, you only get chocolate if you're Moony and being especially mean)

* * *

You can come to mine too Moony, my Mum might have a heart attack living with three Marauders, but we need to keep the girl on her toes!

And come on Remus - I can practically feel you blushing through the paper, stranger things have happened. And about the defects - she's a metamorphmagus isn't she? Nothing wrong with it, actually it's pretty cool.

Prongs (but I'm too lazy to walk to the shops and you already have some)

* * *

What about me? I can't even get out of bed!

Maybe you should have used that silencio charm again? You know they won't detect the underage magic at your house. Besides, your mum is probably cursing Andy right now, so nobody will notice.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO? Nymphadora is THREE years old!

You sicken me.

Moony. (I'm not being mean, just logical.)

* * *

Anyway. I don't have chocolate any more, I ate it all. Now I have nothing.

A very sad Moony.

* * *

Sick I may be, blind I am not.

Prongs (logic doesn't even come into the question when chocolate is involved)

* * *

You are a horrible, horrible person.

Even if I could come to your house right now, I wouldn't. Of course, it's not possible because I CAN'T MOVE.

Moony. (Logic is always relevant. You're just too stupid to understand that.)

* * *

Well, we'll bring the party to you then, you know me Moony - I can party anywhere!

Prongs (Ouch.)

* * *

IT SEEMS EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY VERY SAD PREDICAMENT.

Padfoot (Are the postscripts being used as insults now?)

* * *

I'm tired, Prongs. Just break Sirius out and then have your party at yours, I'll come along tomorrow.

Moony. (the tired one who just wants to sleep, but just got interrupted by an owl landing on his face.)

* * *

I'll come and get you Padfoot, my damsel in distress.

Will you let your hair down for me?

Prongs (I won't send you anymore owls then, grumpy guts)

* * *

AM NOT A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.

And I don't want you climbing up my hair. It was HURT, and it might ruin it!

Padfoot (Don't know what to put here, but I must write something in my lovely postscript!)

* * *

Padfoot, Moony once told me that hair is not alive. So I doubt it would run.

And why can't I have buttercups while I'm alive!?

Wormy

PS - can someone send me some cheese? Cheddar, please.

* * *

Have you considered it would be weird if we gave you flowers? Just think about it...

Prongs, ARE YOU GOING TO GET ME OUT OR NOT? I'm seriously considering jumping out the window.

Padfoot (WHEN I ACTUALLY GET OUT OF THIS HELL-HOLE. THEN YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE CHEESE YOU WANT)

* * *

That's a very good point. I'm not going to do a James and get hexed for giving somebody flowers. I think he still has the bruising.

Are you still there? Wow, your mother _is_ mad! I can come and rescue you if you want, I feel better today.

Moony. (Not bothered with cheese, really. Although, more chocolate would be nice...)

* * *

I don't care WHO DOES IT or HOW IT IS DONE, just GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Padfoot (ONCE I GET OUT OF HERE, chocolate will reign)

* * *

Don't worry Padfoot! I (might! You won't give me cheese! I haven't had any since LAST OCTOBER!) will save you!

Then Moony will have chocolate! And be non-grumpy and (really annoying no offence). I will be able to read his letters without feeling like he is being too smart-alecky!

Wormtail (on my way Padfoot! Maybe. Never tell!)

* * *

I am not annoying! I can't understand why you'd say that! I'm not a smart-aleck either, I just point out when you make a mistake so that you don't end up making it again in the future.

Moony. (Oh, and I'm not grumpy either. Much.)

* * *

Still waiting...

...Just keep telling yourself that, Moons. Whatever makes you sleep at night.

Padfoot (I'm bored.)

* * *

If I'm so annoying and smart-aleck-like, then you obviously won't WANT me to rescue you. I might annoy you too much.

I'm not kidding myself. I'm only trying to help, you know.

Moony. (you're certainly going to stay that way.)

* * *

Okay Moons, calm down. Forget I ever said anything.

JUST RESCUE ME.

Padfoot (Harsh.)

* * *

I'm coming to get you now. You can stay at mine for a while if you want.

ONLY if you say you don't agree with all the insults.

Moony. (You insulted me!)

* * *

**The next chapter should be up in, like, five minutes.**

**Please review! And thank you to that-mad-girl-in-the-corner, mixandmingle, and eskimoRock! Sorry, I'm slightly hyper.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2!**

**Moony is eskimoRock!**

**Wormtail is mixandmingle!**

**Prongs is that-mad-girl-in-the-corner (formerly MissMarauderette13)!**

**Padfoot is me (beeabeeon49)!**

**Go and check them out!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.**

* * *

I DON'T AGREE WITH ALL THE INSULTS!

Okay, can you rescue me now?

Padfoot (Who's up for a game of truth or dare?)

* * *

I will play. Just because I know that you guys will make me. But I will play!

Wormtail

* * *

That's good. Wormtail, if you don't take the insults back, no cheese for a year.

Now you're out of your stupid house, Padfoot, you can stop moaning. I'm your werewolf in shining armour!

I'll play truth or dare too.

Oh, and by the way, you might want to reuse those funeral plans. I think Prongs has, shall we say "passed on"?

Moony. (I am in a very good mood today, you will be pleased to know.)

* * *

Prongs. I told you not to die. WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?

Yay, truth or dare time! To whoever replies first - truth or dare?

Padfoot (Why?)

* * *

Everyone has to die sometimes, Padfoot. Except for Nicolas Flamel, but I don't really think Prongs has a Stone lying around.

Truth please!

Moony. (Chocolate. Also sunshine. Moony likes sunshine.)

* * *

...What?

Um, a truth...

I'll start off easy. Because I can be nice SOMETIMES.

What are you most afraid of?

Padfoot (It's scary, the sun. IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS HOT IN ENGLAND.)

* * *

Because that's just how it works, Padfoot. You just have to hope you die in a cool way. Like in battle!

I would have thought the answer to that was obvious, to be honest. The full moon, maybe?

Moony. (the sun is a lot nicer than the moon. Anyway, I like the sun. It makes me smile.)

* * *

I don't really want to think about dying right now.

Oh yeah, I suppose...

I will now just say 'dare' and hope to get something good.

AH THERE IS NO CAPITAL LETTERS YET I MUST FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY.

Padfoot (...If you say so...)

* * *

Because you've just realised that you're probably going to die in a really stupid way.

You are an idiot. You've even seen my Boggart!

Hmm...I'm not very good at thinking of dares. Here's a good one - cut off all your hair.

OH DEAR.

Moony. (I do indeed.)

* * *

NO I WILL DIE IN SOME HEROIC WAY.

Moony. WHY? EVEN YOU CAN'T BE THAT MEAN!

...But it's a dare. Here I go.

Padfoot (I hate you.)

* * *

You might be strangled or something. God knows you get tangled up in my curtains enough, you could get strangled by them! That would be quite funny. Death by curtains.

You don't have to shave it ALL off - just to the ears.

Moony. (I know.)

* * *

MOONY! YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT FIRST! WHY DIDN'T YOU?

AND I WILL NOT BE KILLED BY CURTAINS. THAT'S JUST STUPID. I WILL BE KILLED IN BATTLE.

Padfoot (Why must I always be stuck with you?)

* * *

HAHAHAHA! You look ridiculous! Granted I should have said something when you got out the enchanted trimmer, but I just wanted to see how stupid you were.

I think the owl likes your new hair.

Maybe you'll be killed in a battle with some curtains?

Moony. (Because Wormtail has plans and Prongs is dead.)

* * *

Do you know anyone who could grow it back for me?

I DON'T LIKE THAT OWL.

Killed in battle with some curtains. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

Anyway, truth or dare?

Padfoot (That sounds like a sad life)

* * *

Prongs probably has some hair potion somewhere in his house.

The owl doesn't like you either. Although she is sitting on your head right now.

Maybe you had a battle with the curtains and lost? Or you had a battle and there were curtains in the room, and they throttled you with them. That would work.

Truth again, please. I'm not giving you a chance to get your revenge.

Moony. (Shut up. At least I have hair.)

* * *

I DON'T WANT TO STEAL FROM A DEAD PERSON!

...You were the one who gave the dare. Why don't you go and get some for me?

Should I be scared that you're thinking of ways I could be killed?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF EVERYONE YOU CARED ABOUT DIED?

Padfoot (Below the belt. And I'm not even wearing a belt.)

* * *

You have money! Just order special delivery!

Anyway, I'm lazy. I'm quite happy just watching the owl peck your head.

Yes, you probably should be. Especially since the curtains are right behind you. Are you scared of dying?

CRY AND BE ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT. Perhaps I'd go on a dangerous mission to take my mind off it...if I ever get accepted into the Auror.

Moony (Nice to know.)

* * *

Okay, I'll do that then!

RUN AWAY FROM THE CURTAINS! And I'm not scared. Much.

I want truth now because I don't trust you.

Padfoot (Lum-di-dum)

* * *

Common sense isn't really your strong point.

Liar. You blatantly have a newfound fear of curtains.

List the marauders in the order you love them.

Moony. (Has anyone else noticed that Wormtail is the only person getting away with not writing postscripts?)

* * *

WHO NEEDS COMMON SENSE?

...I will ignore that comment.

In this moment in time, it's - Prongs, Wormtail, you. BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING MEAN RIGHT NOW.

You might be higher when you aren't being mean. MIGHT.

Padfoot (Wormtail always seems to get away with stuff)

* * *

Everybody, Padfoot. Everybody.

...you do that.

I AM OFFENDED. I'm the one talking to you right now! Although I do have to go very soon.

Moony. (Well, that's unfair.)

* * *

APART FROM ME.

...That's what I'm doing.

Okay. You can go above Wormy (sorry, Wormtail! I'm not saying I don't like you, I just like the others a tiny bit more).

You going? That's fine. I have stuff to do. Yeah.

Padfoot (IT JUST HAPPENS!)

* * *

YOU STILL NEED COMMON SENSE.

...Good.

Yes! I've been promoted!

I'll speak to you later, Pads.

Moony. (I guess so.)

* * *

Yeah. I get that a lot. It's OK.

Wormtail

* * *

We're only kidding, Wormy. We love you really.

Moony

* * *

*blushes* AWWWW, thanks Moony. :)

Wormtail

* * *

Now you're over your lovely emotional moment, let's move on to more important stuff.

PRONGS IS DEAD.

And to everyone - truth or dare?

Padfoot (The postscripts feel neglected)

* * *

It's nice to show affection once in a while. I feel happy.

I KNOW. WE SHALL HAVE LILIES AT THE FUNERAL.

Truth again please! Ask a good one.

Moony. (I'm sorry. Hello postscripts.)

* * *

Maybe we'll be really good friends and persuade the ACTUAL Lily to come...

What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you in all the time you've been at Hogwarts?

And then can you give me a dare that doesn't involve cutting of hair?

Padfoot (Mrem.)

* * *

Lily likes me, if I asked her she'd definitely come. Maybe she'll cry over the coffin, then James can be happy up in heaven.

Probably the time you gave me that love potion and made me tell Professor McGonagall how much I loved her.

Hmm...can you go and tell your mother you're marrying James, please?

Moony (that's not actually a word.)

* * *

Yeah, we'll have to send her a letter...

And that was SO funny. Siriusly. (Don't gouge your eyes out, PLEASE!)

That dare was actually quite fun. I'd be surprised if you couldn't hear her from your house. I think she cottoned on that I wasn't telling the truth, though...

I'm craving coffee. Truth or dare?

Padfoot (I don't care. That wasn't anything else good to say)

* * *

I'll do it. You'll just get hexed again.

It was NOT funny. I was in detention for a month! But she did laugh, and she doesn't do that too often.

I was hoping she'd hex you, to be honest.

Dare. I'm going to risk it this time.

Moony (I like reading. That's something good to say.)

* * *

Wow, two mentions of hexing in the same letter...

Dare! Write to Lily about your undying love for her. Be even creepier than Prongs.

Padfoot (I LIKE COFFEE)

* * *

It's just because you get hexed so much. Madame Pomfrey is going to get you your own bed in the hospital wing, right next to mine.

OH, I HATE YOU SO MUCH. Do you want me to copy out the letter as proof?

Moony. (I'm not very good with coffee.)

* * *

I can keep you company!

A COPY AND THE LETTER YOU GET IN RETURN PLEASE!

Then you can give me a truth, because I'm not sure a dare would be a good idea when you hate me.

Padfoot (It makes me think of RAINBOWS!)

* * *

Right. This is what I said.

_"Dearest Lily._

_I know we're close, and I know that James is obsessed with you, which is rather creepy. Out of respect to him, I have kept this quiet for a while, but I thought I should finally let you know that I am madly, passionately in love with you. You have beautiful eyes, and your smile is the only thing that makes me happy. I have decided that from now on, I'm going to send you flowers every day. I understand if you don't love me as much as I do you, but you can always change your mind, but until then I'll just keep coming to your street in the night and watching you to make sure you're okay._

_Remus."_

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? She's just replied, she said:

_"Remus._

_I didn't know you felt like that. I'm sorry, but I actually like somebody else. Is James influencing you? That's really creepy, and if I ever see you near my house, I will do to you exactly what I did to James that time._

_Speak to you at school. Or maybe not._

_Lily."_

I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE AS MUCH AS I HATE YOU.

Your truth: if you had to choose one of the marauders to have sex with, who would you choose?

Moony. (It's horrible.)

* * *

1. I'm not dead guys

2. I take offence to the fact that you think my love for Lily is freaky

3. THAT WAS ONE TIME THAT I WENT TO HER HOUSE! AND IT WAS BECAUSE SIRIUS DARED ME!

Prongs (I like coffee, just thought I'd throw that out there)

PS: I want to play!

* * *

YOU HATE ME MORE THAN SNIVELLUS?

Lovely written letter, by the way. I had tears in my eyes. Mostly of laughter, but there you go.

THIS TRUTH IS HARD, MOONY. I can't say you because I'm talking to you right now, and that'd be awkward, and I don't really want to say Prongs because he's dead and I don't want to have sex with a corpse, and then I don't really want to pick Wormtail either, no offence Wormy if you're reading this.

But I'll just say Wormtail, but Wormy if you're reading this - I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU IN ANY WAY. YOU ARE JUST THE LEAST AWKWARD OF MY CHOICES.

Padfoot (COFFEE!)

* * *

1. That's good.

2. It is freaky. You follow her and hex men who speak to her. I only get off because I'm a Marauder.

3. It was Lily that said that, not me.

Moony. (You both disgust me.)

P.S: You can take my place, I have to leave.

* * *

Well then Prongs, go on. Dare me.

Padfoot (Mnem. Om nom. Gwer)

* * *

I'm no longer dead Padfoot! It wouldn't be disgusting anymore, seeing as I'm the most attractive of this group!

DON'T LEAVE MOONY! WE'LL MISS YOU!

Prongs (I have to have it like six sugar cubes though)

* * *

...Did you just imply that I should have sex with you?

I AM FREAKED OUT.

Padfoot (YOU COFFEE DESTROYER!)

* * *

Turn into Padfoot and "Do your business" into a bag and send it to McGonagall.

But you have to sign it so she's knows it's from you.

Also send her reply if she sends one.

Bring it on.

Prongs.

PS: As attractive as I am, please hold onto your urges around me Padfoot. I don't swing that way.

* * *

Have done so, and the reply should come any time soon...

HERE IT IS!

"_Dear Mr Black,_

_I will not bother to ask what the meaning of this, and simply command you to come to my office the minute you arrive back at school._

_Professor McGonagall"_

BORING. WHY MUST OFFICIAL PEOPLE BE SO BORING?

Do you want truth or dare?

Padfoot (You must use postscripts, otherwise you DIE!)

* * *

I was expecting something more interesting. Ah well.

I pick truth because I'm too lazy at this moment in time to move.

Prongs (Oh! Look at that I didn't die lasst time)

I KNOW. BORING TEACHERS ARE BORING.

Truth! Which of the marauders do you think is most likely to die first?

Padfoot (Have you turned into a snake? 'Lasst')

* * *

Why so morbid?

Maybe me? From boredom? I want to die an interesting death, maybe I'm betrayed? That would be interesting. Saving a damsel in distress?

Prongs (The Slytherins are getting to me. Oh the shame!)

* * *

MORBID. COFFEE MAKES ME MORBID.

TRUTH PLEASE!

Padfoot (HOW DARE THEY!)

* * *

Coffee makes me hyper.

Who do you think will get married and have a family first?

Prongs (I'm so sorry Padfoot! I went over to the dark side! But they had cookies! Please forgive me!)

* * *

If you get Lily, you. If not, Moony, once he gets over the whole 'wolf' problem thingy.

Truth or dare?

Padfoot (YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.)

* * *

I hope I get Lily, just so I can love her and show her how much I do. Maybe she would love me back. We would be happy together. In a small house and a small family, it would be great.

Anyway I'll take dare this time.

Prongs (NO PADFOOT I'M SORRY! I never meant it, they forced me to do it!)

* * *

...THAT'S NOT MARAUDER-LIKE. THINK ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOUR.

Write a letter to Lily and say you no longer love her because you think you're in love with your father.

I'd like a copy of the letter and the reply please.

Padfoot (WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE. Not after this.)

* * *

I hate you.

_"Dearest Lilyflower,_

_Before you throw this away, like every other letter I've ever sent you, please pay attention._

_I thought you deserved to know that after years of pining after you I have found a new love, a love that has already been emblazed with passion. You see I am going to start a homosexual relationship with my Father. You see as he shares the majority of my handsome features there isn't much to fault in the way he looks, he also shares a rather amount of my personality so there will never be a dull moment._

_Try not to be too upset love that you lost your chance with me, if you ever do change your mind I'm sure there would be room in our bed for you ;) we'd have so much fun, the three of us._

_The most handsome and hilarious James Potter."_

I hate you.

I had too much sugar and decided if I was going to do it I might as well go full out.

Prongs (I'll give you food)

* * *

Everyone seems to hate me after dares that involve Lily.

CAN I HAVE THE REPLY WHEN IT COMES AS WELL?

If you're nice enough to me I might let you send her a letter saying it was a dare. I MIGHT.

Alright, I'll have a dare please.

Padfoot (What type?)

* * *

_"Potter._

_I hate you. Just thought I'd make it clear. I was actually going to throw the letter away until I saw the words "homosexual" and "the three of us would have a good time". YOU ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING HUMAN TO EVER WALK THIS EARTH, DO YOU KNOW THAT? I WILL HAVE MENTAL IMAGES OF THAT FOREVER! I AM FOREVER SCARRED POTTER! I will not be joining you, you sick prat, and I will never read one of you letters EVER AGAIN._

_Evans._

_PS: You aren't handsome in the slightest."_

Bit harsh don't ya think?

Dare? Hmm. Send a singing version of a howler, you know, the ones from Zonko's, to Snape confessing your undying love for him.

Prongs (I have chicken and also bacon)

* * *

Well. This should be fun.

I EVEN MADE A SONG THAT RHYMES. HERE WE GO, PERSON WHO I HATE SO MUCH.

_"To my Sevvie-Poo,_

_I hope you don't mind me calling you that._

_I just wanted to let you know I don't think you're a prat._

_And I've got a bit of a secret you see,_

_So let's keep it between you and me._

_I just wanted to tell you, my Sevvie-Poo,_

_I'm completely obsessed, besotted and in love with you._

_I really hope you feel the same way too."_

And then it's signed with my AMAZING name.

I REALLY HATE YOU, BUT LIKE YOU I DECIDED TO GO ALL OUT.

Padfoot (CHICKEN PLEASE!)

* * *

I think I may have died from laughter. Mum thought I was having a fit. That's the best thing ever! Can we use that when we go back to school? Get all the Slytherins to sing it to him? That would be hilarious!

I'll have a dare also, spice up my life and all.

Prongs (The chicken is enclosed. Am I forgiven now, oh great one?)

* * *

...Just so long as they know it wasn't me who wrote it.

Adding on from your last dare, go and tell your mum what you told Lily - that you think you're in love with your dad. Should be fun.

Padfoot (If it's nice)

* * *

She, erm, she wet herself. Laughing. In my face. And my Dad was also there. He looked worried. And left pretty quickly. My Mum wants a chat with me later. Thanks Padfoot.

Prongs (was it nice?)

* * *

You are most welcome.

I HAVE TO GO NOW, WHICH I KNOW IS VERY SAD BUT NECESSARY. BYE!

Padfoot (Yes. You can be my friend.)

* * *

All by myself.

Don't wanna be

all by myself

Anymore.

Lonely Prongs.

* * *

Just got back from my bloody grandmas. Only good thing was that she gave me cheese! (VICTORY! I was about to kill myself) she knitted me the ugliest sweater (don't ask) and made me wear it while we walked around Diagon Alley. Torture. My mum took pictures (not showing you!) of it all. Torture! I'd rather hang myself.

Wormy (the cheese was a bit old, but it was still good!)

* * *

Wow, I certainly missed a lot, didn't I?

I loved the dares, by the way. I especially loved the Severus song.

I'd do anything to be in that chat between you and your mother, Prongs! That would be hilarious.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I spoke to Lily, and explained what happened with the dares. She's forgiven me, as long as I promise to send her a bar of chocolate and never hang around outside her window. I don't think she feels the same way for you two, though. Prongs, she said that if you ever write her a letter like that again, she will personally go to your house and hex your private parts off. I've left out the very graphic description, it was terrifying.

Moony. (The one who is crossing his legs right now.)

* * *

I AM AN AMAZING SONG-WRITER. BOW TO ME.

I agree with you. Prongs, can you tell us how that conversation goes? PLEASE?

To anyone - coward with truth or DARE?

Padfoot (The one who is not sure why Moony is crossing his legs. HE'S not the one in danger.)

* * *

I'm not going to bow to you, because I don't want you to get a big head, but I have to say you are very good at writing lyrics.

This could be entertaining.

I'll go for a dare, but nothing involving Lily. I do not want to evoke her wrath.

Moony. (She was unbelievably descriptive. It hurts just thinking about what she wants to do to him.)

* * *

ALL IN THE SPACE OF FIVE MINUTES.

Pretend to be Prongs for the next five letters you write. Shouldn't be TOO bad.

Padfoot (Things she wants to do to him? I bet she wants to do a LOT of things to him...)

* * *

That's a talent right there, Padfoot. Your mother would be proud.

OH DEAR GOD! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I'll do it in a minute.

Moony. (All of which involve hexes probably invented by Severus.)

Right, here's Prongs entry:

_Lily._

_Lily Lily Lily._

_Prongs. (Lily.)_

* * *

Lily. Indeed.

Can I have a truth? GIVE ME TRUTH!

Padfoot (Run away, Prongs, if you're reading this!)

* * *

Lily. Yes, Lily. Do you think Lily likes me? Have you seen her eyes? Lily.

You may have a truth. Do you think Lily will ever love me?

Moony, a.k.a Prongs. (Yes. Run away to Lily.)

LILY.

* * *

If you stop being so creepy? YES. If you don't? NO. Simple as that.

...That letter was so Prongs-like it was scary.

Truth or dare?

Padfoot (NO. She's the one who wanted to hex you, PRONGS)

* * *

I'm not creepy, I'm lovable. Lily thinks I'm lovable, she's just lying to herself. I'm going to dye my hair so it matches Lily's. Lily.

...But I am Prongs? Just ask Lily.

Dare please. If I do it, CAN I PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE THIS? GAHHHH.

Moony a.k.a Prongs. (She's lying to herself. Lily.)

* * *

Reply Edit . Report Abuse . Ban User . Delete Post .Alright, you can stop early. It IS getting VERY annoying.

Go outside, then tell the first person you see you're pregnant. I don't care what you do after that, but YOU MUST NOT TELL THEM IT WAS A DARE.

Padfoot (If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?)

* * *

YES! I'm me again! Lily. Sorry, I've gotten into the habit.

That was humiliating. The girl from down the street, the pretty one I told you about, walked past the door and I had to tell her I was pregnant. She used to like me - now she thinks I'm a freak. Not that she's wrong, but you know.

Moony. (That was very smart for you, Padfoot. If you ask McGonagall that, she might give you a week's less detention.)

* * *

**The next chapter will be up in, like, five minutes.**

**Please review! (Anything directed towards one marauder in particular who is not Padfoot should probably PM them specifically to make sure they see it).**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3!**

**Moony is eskimoRock!**

**Wormtail is mixandmingle!**

**Prongs is that-mad-girl-in-the-corner (formerly MissMarauderette13)!**

**Padfoot is me (beeabeeon49)!**

**Go and check them out!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.**

* * *

You go away for a bit and find that one of your best friends has moved onto your girl! Then you read it again and see that they are insulting you. Thanks guys, I'm really feeling the love.

The REAL Prongs (She does love me and you know it. Can I play?)

* * *

It was a dare! Trust me, I didn't want to do it. I think I just lost about a hundred braincells.

Moony. (Sure, you can take my place again. I need to go and eat. And apologise to the pretty girl down the street.)

* * *

Being in love doesn't make you dim, Moony. I take offence to that!

Prongs (You be nice to that poor girl, I bet she's scarred for life, imagining you pregnant)

* * *

True, I'm very sorry. You were dim before you liked Lily.

Moony. (I was very nice to her! Although I think she was slightly confused as to why I'd say I was pregnant in the first place.)

* * *

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN PRONGS DIDN'T LIKE LILY!

Truth or dare, anyone? Sorry I disappeared before, I HAD TO TAKE A SHOWER OTHERWISE I SMELL A LOT.

Padfoot (...She'll forget about it. She probably only thought you were delusional. Not too bad.)

* * *

To be fair, he didn't really like her first year, and for about half of second. Then, she hit puberty and BAM. Stupid Prongs.

Dare please, Padfoot.

Moony. (But I think she liked me that way before, and now I'm just the creepy guy who shouts things at her.)

* * *

Write a report about why you think McGonagall should unwind a little, then send it to her. I'd like evidence.

NOW CAPITAL LETTERS WILL BE HERE!

Padfoot (Don't worry, there's always Nymphie)

* * *

Oh, I hate you so much. McGonagall likes me!

Well, I've sent it. Here you go.

_"Dear Professor McGonagall._

_I'm writing to you because I'm concerned a little about both your physical and mental wellbeing. As you are getting on in years, you have to be careful to take it easy, and I know that my friends Sirius and James don't exactly help you in that regard. I recommend a nice holiday somewhere hot like Spain, so that you can be sure you are fully rested and happy by the time my friends begin to prank you again._

_Also, I find that a smile often helps when I'm feeling down about something. I'm sure you find some of their pranks entertaining, and I think I would be able to convince them not to prank you so often._

_Remus Lupin."_

SHE IS GOING TO KILL ME!

Moony. (But Nymphie is three, and that's creepy! Emma is actually my age and really pretty! Not that I'd get into a relationship with her anyway, but it's nice to be loved.)

* * *

Well, maybe not KILL you. But something along those lines.

Might as well take a dare too.

Padfoot (If you're not going into a relationship with her, why does it matter that she thinks you're a creep?)

* * *

She will kill me, I've just got her reply.

_"Mr Lupin._

_In regards to your letter, I can assure you that I am not "getting on in years." Professor Dumbledore is almost three times my age. Also, I may be older than you, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to seriously hurt you._

_Please report to my office on the first day of term with Mr Black. You may as well bring Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew with you too - I am sure that they will also antagonise me before the holidays are over._

_Regards, Professor McGonagall."_

Anyway, your dare. Send a letter to Bellatrix listing all of her flaws and saying you hope that she dies soon. Don't sign it, I don't particularly want you to get murdered.

Moony. (Because she is lovely and I really like her. I'd like to be in a relationship with her, you know I would, but it's just not...practical.)

* * *

Great, now I have a detention! My mum is going to kill me! She clearly stated to me that if I got another detention she would hex...never mind. Grrrrr. Guess I have to deal with it. Or... *sigh* fine. I guess I'll go.

Maybe I could sneak out when McGonagall isn't looking. Sorry guys! I guess if you guys turn then you could freak her out, but she would find out. She will just think that I ran.

Wormy

* * *

To be fair, we probably would have got you to do something too and you would have ended up with detention anyway. You know it always happens, I don't particularly enjoy them either.

I'll cover for you, don't worry. We can always stage a distraction, or just make sure that you do absolutely nothing to McGonagall this summer.

Moony.

* * *

Everyone is being very quiet lately.

The girl from down the street still won't talk to me. I hate you, Sirius.

Moony. (bored.)

* * *

You were the one who chose dare.

Yeah, I know I'm quiet. WHAT IS THIS I'M QUIET I DON'T EVEN -

The bath just exploded. I'm not sure why.

Padfoot (That's nice.)

* * *

But now I have no friends away from Hogwarts again! It was nice to have normal, non-magical conversation.

You never did your dare!

It's strange that you're quiet. Are you ill, Pads?

Moony. (You're a horrible person.)

* * *

The owl got intercepted and I never read the letter with the dare in it. Anyway, here I go!

_'Hi Bellatrix,_

_I just wanted you to know I think you're a horrible person. You think torturing people is fun, you worship Voldie and you're a creep. You have REALLY horrible hair (it really needs a wash) and your face is messed up. I REALLY want you to know I hate you and I hope you go and die a really painful death that involves a guillotine, a burning torch and a potato peeler.'_

Good enough for you?

I MIGHT HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

Padfoot (That's nice.)

* * *

Is your mother stopping the post again?

That's great, I love it :)

Why might you have to go to the hospital?

Moony. (NO IT'S NOT.)

* * *

Yeah. It's annoying.

BECAUSE THE BATH EXPLODED AND A FLYING CHUNK EMBEDDED ITSELF INTO MY ARM.

...True story.

Padfoot (That's nice.)

* * *

At least you and James have the mirrors to talk through. I have _a_ mirror, but it's not quite the same.

Do you want me to meet you at St. Mungo's again, Padfoot? I could floo over and take you. Either that or I fix it myself - I've become good at healing injuries by now.

...True story.

Moony. (SHUT UP.)

* * *

You could just talk to yourself. I like doing that.

Could you heal it yourself? If I went to St Mungo's it would lead to questions on why the bath exploded AND THAT WOULD BE BAD.

Padfoot (That's nice.)

* * *

Talking to yourself isn't the same! I don't get strange reactions!

Fine, I'll heal it myself. We want you all nice and ready for your holiday with the Malfoys, don't we?

Have fun on that, by the way. No weird conversations with you for a while.

See you soon, don't murder Lucius!

Moony. (I give up.)

* * *

James, Peter, where are you? I've got absolutely nothing to do now that Padfoot has gone off on holiday with the Malfoys! I've already re-read all the defence textbooks from the last five years, just to go over what I may have missed or forgotten, but now I have nothing to do! I've had to get out the books my uncle got me at Christmas, and you know that they just talk about how evil werewolves are!

Seriously, guys, I'm unbelievably bored here. Save me.

Moony.

* * *

Moony, to entertain you, I gave you a new phone that my mum got me for no reason. I have no need of it and you can do whatever with it. Just don't drop it in water. It will be ruined.

Wormtail (the one with the mom who is obsessed with muggle phones)

* * *

You're alive!

A phone? Where do I plug it in? I don't actually have electricity in my house, and until they invent one that you don't have to plug in anywhere I don't think I'll be able to use one.

Oh well, it looks good.

Moony.

* * *

Oi, the pathetic excuse for my friends, I was on my death bed and not one of you checked up on me! For all you know I could have been shipped off to Africa forced to milk moneys for the rest of my life in a hula skirt!

Some mates you lot are!

Prongs.

* * *

I sent you lots of letters! I just thought you were ignoring me as usual.

Anyway, I doubt your parents would do that to you. Padfoot's, maybe, but not yours. Your parents love you to bits.

Moony.

* * *

WHY DID NONE OF YOU SAVE ME?

YES, I'M BACK. AND EXPRESSING MY ANNOYANCE THROUGH CAPITAL LETTERS.

AND THAT LAST SENTENCE SOUNDED REALLY POSH BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WITH TOO MANY POSH PEOPLE.

I ALMOST KILLED LUCIUS. NOBODY SHOULD TALK ABOUT PEACOCKS THAT MUCH. HE'S OBSESSED.

GRRR...

PADFOOT (AND YOU FORGOT POSTSCRIPTS!)

* * *

My mom and grandma are obsessed with peacocks. They actually turned my room into a peacock room. It's terrible!

Wormy

* * *

They can't be as obsessed as Lucy. IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

What does a peacock room even look like?

I'M STILL ANGRY.

Padfoot (There are these things called postscripts. I COMMAND YOU TO USE THEM.)

* * *

PADDY! You're back! You hated it as much as I thought you would! You can tell I'm happy because I'm using too many exclamation marks!

Lucius isn't posh. He just _imagines_ he is.

A peacock room looks like a room filled with peacocks, I imagine.

I CAN TELL YOU ARE ANGRY!

Moony. (!)

* * *

Aw, did Remmie miss Paddy?

I HATE LUCIUS AND I NEVER WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANOTHER PEACOCK AGAIN.

...I would hate to have to live in that room.

Padfoot (Random happy Moony is happy. And Moony.)

* * *

I did! As much as you annoy the hell out of me, it's pretty quiet and boring without you.

THAT'S A SHAME, BECAUSE I BOOKED YOU ON A PEACOCK APPRECIATION COURSE! WITH LUCIUS! YAY!

Here's the thousand galleon question. Would you rather live in the peacock room, or with your parents?

Moony (My friend is back from his trip to hell! And Moony.)

* * *

I always knew you loved me.

THAT ALMOST CAUSED ME TO SCREAM. YOU HAD BETTER BE JOKING.

I'm going to have to say the peacock room. BUT IMAGINE LIVING WITH MY PARENTS IN THE PEACOCK ROOM. THAT WOULD BE TORTURE.

Padfoot (That's nice.)

* * *

You're pretty loveable, what can I say?

Sorry, I'm not joking. It starts next week. I asked Reg if he thought it was a good idea and he said it definitely was, so he made sure to get it organised for me.

And next time I come over I'm making your room into a peacock room. Just to annoy you.

Moony.

moony.

* * *

Okay...

YOU TRAITOR! TRAITOR, I TELL YOU!

I found a goldfish in a pond today. It kept jumping out. I THINK IT WAS SUICIDAL.

Padfoot (Was there any particular reason you put your name twice?)

* * *

Have fun, Padfoot! I'm sure you'll have a great time together. Narcissa might even come along to see Lucius, you never know! It'll be much better than Hogsmeade!

That's nice to know, Padfoot. Maybe it was looking for food?

Moony. (No particular reason. Moony.)

* * *

I'm going to barricade myself in my room. THEN I WON'T HAVE TO GO.

No. It was suicidal.

Padfoot (Do you just like your name a lot?)

* * *

Reg thought of everything, he isn't going to let you do that.

That's quite sad about the fish. Maybe it saw your face and was just horrified.

Moony. (And yes, I like my name. Moony)

* * *

I WILL RUN AWAY TO THE WILD AND NO-ONE WILL FIND ME.

I know. I decided to put it out of its misery and give it a funeral. Reg was giving me odd looks but WHO CARES?

WHAT IS THIS? MY FACE LOOKS AS LIKE IT HAS BEEN MOULDED BY THE GODS!

Padfoot (You're just vain.)

* * *

You wouldn't survive in the wild! You cannot live even a day without the house elves/your mother's cooking.

That is pretty weird, but actually strangely thoughtful, for you. Anyway, Reg always gives you odd looks but he's the one practising dark magic in his bedroom.

Okay, Sirius. You can believe that if you want to. Personally, your face terrifies me, but there you go.

Moony. (Bit hard to be vain when you have massive scars on your face. Just saying.)

* * *

I'LL ESCAPE TO PRONG'S HOUSE THEN.

I like fish. They're always being eaten by cats, the poor things.

YOU ARE A MEAN, HORRIBLE MONSTER.

Padfoot (Just cover them up with something. Evans has probably got make-up you can use. THAT'S MY KIND SUGGESTION OF THE MONTH.)

* * *

Prongs is in on this whole thing. He thinks its hilarious.

And as a dog, you oppose the cruel murdering of fish by your arch-enemies.

I'M SORRY. I JUST TELL IT HOW IT IS.

Moony. (That was surprisingly caring. But it doesn't really help, they're pretty big scars.)

* * *

Oh you horrible, horrible person. I WILL NEVER LIKE YOU AGAIN.

That is correct, Mr Lupin, one hundred million gazillion points to Gryffindor.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND!

Padfoot (Wear a mask.)

* * *

That's a lie. First day back, McGonagall will give us homework, and then you'll love me. Or next full moon, when you realise you're bored and you want to come run around as a giant dog for a while. Or next time your mother locks you in your room. Or... okay, I've proved my point now.

We've won the house cup again then! Oh no, sorry, I forgot to take away the points you and James will lose this year. We're last again.

I am your friend! I'm just the most honest of your friends!

Moony. (Somebody's getting tired. Does the dog need to go for a walk?)

* * *

I am back from banging my head on the wall. Hard. MY HEAD HURTS NOW.

IT'S WHAT WE PRIDE OURSELVES ON, MY FRIEND.

...BUT YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY MY FRIEND!

Padfoot (I need coffee.)

* * *

Why would you bang your head against the wall?

Indeed it is, Pads. Indeed it is.

YOU JUST SAID I WAS YOUR FRIEND IN THE LAST SENTANCE, AND I EXPLAINED LAST LETTER EXACTLY WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND!

Moony. (Coffee is horrible! I need a hot chocolate.)

* * *

Because I just was. DO I NEED A REASON?

I DON'T CARE.

I LIKE CHEESE MORE THAN WORMTAIL.

Padfoot (How about a mocha?)

* * *

That might explain why you act so weirdly, Pads! You probably shouldn't do that.

Why did you randomly just mention cheese?

Moony. (Mocha is bearable, I guess. Tea is the best, I think.)

* * *

Why should I stop? IT'S FUN.

Because I like cheese and the letter seemed short.

Padfoot (BUT YOU'RE AN OLD MAN. You just sit by the fire and drink tea)

* * *

But you could also get brain damage! Wait...too late.

Cheese is nice, I must admit.

Moony. (Fire is nice and tea is nice. I see no problem with this.)

* * *

Yes! You both admit you like cheese! :D Victory!

Wormtail

* * *

I never said I didn't, Wormy. Just that you like it a bit too much for it to be normal.

Moony.

* * *

**It will probably take a bit longer for the next chapter to get out, because even though we have more, we still need to write more to make it a full chapter. So the next chapter will probably be out in about a month, unless we suddenly pick up our writing speed.**

**Please review! (Anything directed towards one marauder in particular who is not Padfoot should probably PM them specifically to make sure they see it).**


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